Father Vs Mother (Youngest Daughter Makes Special Appearance)

On the List of Things I Think I Have But Haven't Technically Been Diagnosed with, insomnia is also included. It's currently 5.08 am, and after seeing countless episodes of Oswald (the lovable but idiotic octopus), the theme song of which always makes me sleepy, I am still awake, so the obvious solution is to give up sleeping altogether and make myself  a cup of coffee. If I sleep at 6 am again tonight (today?) and wake up at 4 pm tomorrow my mother will actually stab me. Quite possibly unnecessarily and repeatedly. 

My best friend, who has been staying at my place for the past three days, is fast asleep beside me. She is a fashion major, currently working on her portfolio, and yesterday she fell asleep with her right hand in the position of holding a needle. It was rather adorable, which makes what I almost did to her poor, unsuspecting sleeping stance even meaner. But you will soon see, my mother is to blame. Not I. 

Not I…not me? I don’t know how to English.

Anyway, do you know who snores? Papa. My father is a precious cinnamon roll, but man does he snore. His pattern is not even the same throughout; it keeps changing as the night progresses. And how do I know this? Okay. Hold up (OHHHH….HOLD UP!!!! Was High School Musical 2 even a real movie?). 

What you’re probably thinking right now is, wow, Kapoorni, I love you, you devilish beauty!, which is cute but a little irrelevant I am afraid. What you should be thinking is, Er do you still sleep with your parents you gigantic oaf the answer to which is sometimes when I remember the time I read the story of ‘The Human Centipede’  even though I knew it would freak the hell out of me. Whatever, it’s not like I am an almost 19 year old, about to go into second year of University, who is still afraid of the dark.

And clowns. 

My point is, man does my dad snore! My mother is probably used to this by now, and has devised a rather sound but a little questionable system for this. The second my father starts to snore (albeit soft at first) my mother’s sharp ears catch it even if she is in a deep sleep herself. It is rather remarkable (and somewhat frightening) how quickly she reacts; swiftly her hand flies to his face and she lightly smacks him. Round 1, Mother emerges victorious. All is peaceful. Father shifts a little in his sleep. The signs, they are evident again. Round 2 is not far away. Ah, it beings. Father commences a different pattern of making sounds. What will Mother do? All wait with baited breath for the opponent to strike again. Not missing a heartbeat, Mother chooses a different weapon of choice this time, and lightly prods Father in the back, while perhaps letting out an angry growl to drown out the enemy’s sound. Father is thick skinned when it comes to Snore Battles, and (although now silenced) registers no knowledge of the physical abuse he is suffering at the hands of the mother of his children. Round 3 begins with Father snoring in an extremely rare and a little concerning manner. Mother, now tired, thinks about letting her Substitute Candidate play a few. The Sub doesn’t need to be told twice; or even once, for that matter. As soon as Round 3 begins, the Sub is on it. Father undergoes sudden attack by youngest daughter. She neatly elbows him in the stomach, sometimes accompanied by battlecries of “Papaaaa yaar shhh pleaseeeee”. The game continues, neither opponent gives up. Next Morning: Mother and Father wake up with no recollection of nightly battle. Meanwhile, daughter learns that assaulting someone if they snore is what social convention dictates. 

(Too Long; Didn’t Read - Family normalises abuse, then wonders where youngest born gets violent tendencies from.)